Knowing When Help Is Unwanted

At one of my senior center classes, there’s a participant named Flo who comes regularly. She walks with a cane, uses oxygen, moves slowly, and has edema in her legs. She consistently shows up and does what she can.

Wanting to be helpful, I’d always grab her equipment chair, weights, resistance band so she wouldn’t have to.

One day, Flo came in talking about her kids who had recently visited. They’d spent their time doing chores for her—dishes, housework, tidying up. But instead of gratitude, Flo was frustrated. “Don’t they know I live by myself? I do things for myself. I don’t need their help!” she told me.

That moment was a light bulb for me. I realized I was doing the exact same thing as her kids. I thought I was making things easier for her, but in reality, I was taking away her choice, her independence, and even an opportunity for movement. Flo didn’t want me fetching her equipment. She wanted to do it herself.

It’s easy to forget that “helping” can sometimes send the wrong message: I don’t think you’re capable, so I’ll do it for you. Even when intentions are good, it can undermine someone’s self-sufficiency and dignity.

Before stepping in, we must always ask. Don’t assume. Especially with older adults, people are quick to jump in carrying bags, rushing to open doors, insisting “Let me get that for you.” While kind, these gestures can unintentionally take away a person’s agency.

What looks like “struggle” is often resilience, practice, and pride. By pausing to ask instead of assuming, we honor not only their abilities but also their independence.